The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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