You just made me feel so damn special
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Dignity is for republicans.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
