Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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