just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
