btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
