Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
