If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
