You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
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