the new term for farting is butt boxing.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
