So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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