see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
