My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Randomize
