I want to make a zoo with you.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
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