Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
