I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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