There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
