I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Randomize
