I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
