i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
