I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
it's great music for shaving your balls
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
