the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
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