I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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