It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
