I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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