Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
