I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
