Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
