Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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