woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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