I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
