Please, let me fuck your mom
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Randomize
