I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
