No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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