I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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