My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
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