I wish life had little blips of pornography
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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