I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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