Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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