I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Randomize
