i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
