Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
