it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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