If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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