I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
