I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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