My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
My boob is missing a layer of skin
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Randomize
