I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
