Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
