Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
