So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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