So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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