You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I wish there were birth control emojis
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
